To understand online affairs, it is important to understand why the cheating partner is doing what they are doing. To some of us, never meeting your lover sounds very unappealing. Why bother flirting and establishing intimacy with someone you probably will never have a chance to meet. To us, an online affair sounds stupid, perhaps even pathetic. It is very hard for us to understand.
It was terrible – it felt like the lights were on but nobody was home. He was home with us, but not really here. His attention was elsewhere – on his computer. And I found out the reason why, he was ‘seeing’ several women online. It made me sick.
Florence, talking about her husband’s online affairs
The computer can be a dangerous thing to some people, it can open doors up that some people may never open otherwise.
So what do online affairs give cheating partners?
- It gives them anonymity. There is little risk in flirting and talking dirty to someone many miles away. Their partner(s) never have to really know who your cheating partner is as they hide behind their computer screen.
- They can control their affair easily. Here they are, in the living room, not yet showered, in a tracksuit and their robe and unshaved – but they can project a different image to that woman or man they are emailing or chatting with. They can control the images and perception of themselves they are putting out there. They have time to craft the perfect reply email. They can create a fantasy version of themselves- the other person doesn’t need to know they are sitting there smelling of baby spit with their nosehairs needing trimming!
- It is very convenient to have an online affair. Your cheating partner doesn’t need to try too much – they can chat right there in the living room (right under your nose). There is no getting around real-life like in a physical affair – no excuses to make, no surprise ‘business trips’ or need to be ‘working late.’ The real world doesn’t need to intrude at all.
- Although it is convenient, your cheating partner still gets excitement from their online affair. Through dirty emails, graphic sexual dialogues in chat and instant messaging, sexy photos, fantasy-talk and dirty videos, they are getting a sexual kick from their online affair. And to make it even more exciting, they may be writing these at work or from their living room with you sitting next to them. What could be more naughty and thrilling than the chance that they may get caught.
- They feel like they are getting intimate quickly with their other person in the online affair. Right there from your living room, they are able to attract members of the opposite (well they think they are of the opposite sex!) and with little energy to invest a false sense of intimacy forms. They can say online what they would have trouble saying face-to-face, and in this fake fantasy world, their other partner becomes the man or woman of their dreams.
- For some cheating partners, there is little guilt as they don’t believe they are really ‘doing’ anything. There’s no actual physical contact right? So there’s nothing going on, they think. It’s all just harmless flirting and more. And if their partner does find out, if they make a big deal, surely they are overreacting (you as the betrayed spouse or partner may feel very differently about this – what with the lying and developing intimacy with another person).
- And finally for some cheating partners (like my ex), online gives them access to a whole lot of people to cheat with. They are able to have affairs with multiple partners with not much effort.
Those are just some of the attractions of online affairs offer your cheating partner – hopefully this gives you an insight to what is going on in your partner’s head. Click here, if you want to read more about the signs of online affairs and the ways to uncover them.
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