To understand online affairs, it is important to understand why the cheating partner is doing what they are doing.  To some of us, never meeting your lover sounds very unappealing.  Why bother flirting and establishing intimacy with someone you probably will never have a chance to meet.  To us, an online affair sounds stupid, perhaps even pathetic.  It is very hard for us to understand.

It was terrible – it felt like the lights were on but nobody was home.  He was home with us, but not really here.  His attention was elsewhere – on his computer.  And I found out the reason why, he was ‘seeing’ several women online.  It made me sick.

Florence, talking about her husband’s online affairs

The computer can be a dangerous thing to some people, it can open doors up that some people may never open otherwise.

So what do online affairs give cheating partners?

1. It gives them anonymity.  There is little risk in flirting and talking dirty to someone many miles away.  Their partner(s) never have to really know who your cheating partner is as they hide behind their computer screen.
2. They can control their affair easily.  Here they are, in the living room, not yet showered, in a tracksuit and their robe and unshaved – but they can project a different image to that woman or man they are emailing or chatting with.  They can control the images and perception of themselves they are putting out there.  They have time to craft the perfect reply email.  They can create a fantasy version of themselves- the other person doesn’t need to know they are sitting there smelling of baby spit with their nosehairs needing trimming!
3. It is very convenient to have an online affair.  Your cheating partner doesn’t need to try too much – they can chat right there in the living room (right under your nose). There is no getting around real-life like in a physical affair – no excuses to make, no surprise ‘business trips’ or need to be ‘working late.’   The real world doesn’t need to intrude at all.
4. Although it is convenient, your cheating partner still gets excitement from their online affair.  Through dirty emails, graphic sexual dialogues in chat and instant messaging, sexy photos, fantasy-talk and dirty videos, they are getting a sexual kick from their online affair.  And to make it even more exciting, they may be writing these at work or from their living room with you sitting next to them.  What could be more naughty and thrilling than the chance that they may get caught.
5. They feel like they are getting intimate quickly with their other person in the online affair.  Right there from your living room, they are able to attract members of the opposite (well they think they are of the opposite sex!) and with little energy to invest a false sense of intimacy forms.  They can say online what they would have trouble saying face-to-face, and in this fake fantasy world, their other partner becomes the man or woman of their dreams.
6. For some cheating partners, there is little guilt as they don’t believe they are really ‘doing’ anything.  There’s no actual physical contact right?  So there’s nothing going on, they think.  It’s all just harmless flirting and more.  And if their partner does find out, if they make a big deal, surely they are overreacting (you as the betrayed spouse or partner may feel very differently about this – what with the lying and developing intimacy with another person).
7. And finally for some cheating partners (like my ex), online gives them access to a whole lot of people to cheat with.  They are able to have affairs with multiple partners with not much effort.

Those are just some of the attractions of online affairs offer your cheating partner – hopefully this gives you an insight to what is going on in your partner’s head.  Click here, if you want to read more about the signs of online affairs and the ways to uncover them.

When he’s online, he could be anywhere.

Dana, about her husband’s computer habits

There are some simple signs of online affairs to watch out for if you are worried your partner might be using their computer to cheat on you:

1. They are on their computer a lot – and because of this their involvement with you and the family is decreasing
2. They are secretive about their computer or smartphone – they don’t want you to use their laptop or hover around when you do.
3. They are often up late at night on the computer without a good reason to be (or give you odd excuses).
4. They close or switch screens if you come into the room.
5. They clear the history on the computer – there is no reason to do this unless they are hiding something (whether it be some porn or an affair).
6. You find suspicious websites in their history, or there are dubious search terms in the memory of their search engine (google, yahoo etc.).

Click here, if you want to read more about the signs of online affairs and the ways to uncover them.

With so many people now online dating it is not a surprise that online affairs have increased as well – and they bring their own set of  separate problems.

What kinds of things do people get up to online?

• Sending cheating emails
• Writing flirting and cheating messages in chat rooms
• Sending cheating messages by instant messaging
• Sending photos by email
• Having secret conversations through Skype
• Finding people even through online gaming

One woman I spoke to found out that her husband had been using online porn sites with his affair partner interactively – they had been looking for pictures of what they would like to do to each other.  Some, like my ex, aren’t happy with just one ‘other person.’  Instead they troll the online dating sites pretending to be single.  Mine had three online dating profiles that I could find – one with a straight dating site, and two profiles on ‘hook-up’ dating sites.  I found emails and dirty photos of himself that he had sent to women he said he had never met.

Some online affairs just stay virtual – they may progress to cybersex or graphic emails and photos.  For other cheating partners the appeal is the emotional side – they have an emotional affair, believing they love this person they have never met.  Your partner may feel like they can be their ‘real selves’ online with this person.  Right now, they can’t talk to you, but to this other fantasy person they can.

For my ex, he took it a step further and the online trolling, became real life affairs.  He progressed to phone calls and dirty texts with these women and admitted to meeting one of them (although he claimed ‘nothing happened’).  So online affairs (both sexual and emotional) can progress to physical affairs too.

Click here, if you want to read more about the signs of online affairs and the ways to uncover them.

Trust, but verify.

Ronald Reagan

The trust of the innocent is the liar’s most useful tool.

Stephen King

Telling lies is a fault in a boy, an art in a lover, an accomplishment in a bachelor, and second-nature in a married man.

Helen Rowland

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Hamlet

No man has a good enough memory to make a successful liar.

Abraham Lincoln

As far as I’m concerned, love means fighting, big fat lies, and a couple of slaps across the face.

Edith Piaf

Practically all the relationships I know are based on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusion.

Kim Cattrall

It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.

Homer Simpson, from the TV show The Simpsons

I’ve seen honest faces before. They usually come attached to liars.

Willow, from the TV show Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I would never lie. I willfully participate in a campaign of misinformation.

Fox Mulder, from the TV show The X-Files

No man lies so boldly as the man who is indignant.

Friedrich Nietzsche

You don’t tell deliberate lies, but sometimes you have to be evasive.

Margaret Thatcher

There’s only two people in your life you should lie to… the police and your girlfriend.

Jack Nicholson

I pefer an ugly truth to a pretty lie. If someone is telling me the truth that is when I will give my heart.

Shakira

I refuse to stand up in front of a rabbi and my friends and the woman I love – who I will tell you I can love with all my heart – and promise she will be the only one I will ever have until the day I die. That’s a lie.

Gene Simmons

You’re here with a strange girl being a naughty boy.

Alex, from the movie Fatal Attraction

I’ve told Billy if I ever caught him cheating, I wouldn’t kill him because I love his children and they need a dad. But I would beat him up. I know where all of his sports injuries are.

Angelina Jolie

Men cheat for the same reason that dogs lick their balls… because they can.

Kim Cattrall

When I was twenty-two it was a lot harder to get hurt by women. It was easier for me to, you know, cheat on a girlfriend. I can’t lie like that anymore.

Matt Dillon

If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you’ll be married to a man who cheats on his wife.

Anne Landers

Hey, if he’s stupid enough to cheat then the world should know he’s dumb enough to get caught.

Hitch, from the movie Hitch